Could this Be the Holy Grail of Stress Resilience?

I feel like I have discovered the holy grail of stress resilience! It is free, available to everyone and doesn’t require breaking a sweat or twisting into uncomfortable, yet beneficial postures.  It can be used anywhere and at any time.  

It actually is so basic, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it myself!

But, I didn’t.

And Dr. Richard Brown and Dr. Patricia Gerbarg actually went further and have written a whole book about it, The Healing Power of the Breath.  They’re not the first and they won’t be the last to try to educate the masses on the healing power we have at our disposal, our breath.

The little nugget of wisdom I’m practicing and want to pass on is this: 10 minutes each day of coherent breathing. I call it little, because 20 minutes would be Uhmazing, but 10 minutes is still a great start!  

Now the coherent breathing practice has just a few parameters to it. Sit comfortably or lay comfortably keeping a tall spine. Breathe in and out through your nose, 5 times per minute. That comes out to breathing in for six seconds and breathing out for six seconds. Count. Put your attention on your breath and this rhythm of sixes. If you need to breathe more often, say 6 or 7 times a minute when you are beginning that is ok. Start there and work your way down to 5.

Time flies by as your parasympathetic nervous system is engaged in a pure, rejuvenating, resilience building, oxygenated love fest!

Your parasympathetic nervous system is the one that helps reset after our sympathetic nervous system is activated to handle the daily rigors of life, stress and anxiety. If we don’t actively practice resetting, soothing and strengthening our parasympathetic nervous system, we run the risk of burning ourselves out with our overactive sympathetic nervous system.

Sounds almost too simple to work or be worth it, doesn't it? Usually that's the kiss of death to a new habit. When it sounds too easy we often dismiss it at first glance. Or we forget to schedule it into our daily routine, thinking we'll just remember to do it. 

Well, since we totally are too smart for our own britches, let's not let this holy grail go the way of all our past holy grails. Join me in making this one stick/work.

Take a moment now to type it into your calendar. It takes only 10 minutes to start practicing coherent breathing. I'd love to hear about your experience with it!

Is Anxiety Your Superpower? Ugh, I Hate That Word...

I’m not glamorizing anxiety, because it stinks. But there’s a new way I started thinking about mine that totally disrupted my old narrative and shifted my thinking. It might help you do the same.

As a former teacher, I used to attend tons of professional development talks and workshops. They invariably started with the leader asking everyone to introduce themselves. Say your name and... your superpower.  Ugh.

There was a period where that happened 3 times in a row. I’ve never related to that superpower idea and even found the trendy use of “superpower” a bit irritating. I mean, I’m good at a number of things but superpower just sounded stupid. 

So, I always just made something up.

That changed a couple of years ago when I had stopped teaching and started writing a lot about anxiety. Out of left field, I started to realize that I did have “superpowers” and for some reason, that notion no longer seemed stupid. But they came from a place that I definitely wasn’t thinking about during those ice-breaker questions. They actually came from a place that I didn’t like to think about at all and had some embarrassment around. My anxiety.

Sure, when my anxiety is at full force these characteristics are blown out of proportion, exaggerated and definitely not helpful. Not a superpower.

BUT, in my normal day to day free from anxiety, these characteristics are present and make me really good at what I do. I now think of them as my superpowers.

• Proactive planner

• Prolific option thinker

• Highly tuned in to the environment 

• Advanced facial recognition 

• Highly imaginative

• Quick to energize for action

• Excellent brainstorming what-if scenarios

• Extremely realistic

Can you relate to any of these? What do some of your anxious qualities look like when dialed back? You don’t have to think of them as superpowers, because I know that can be annoying, but use them to help you start thinking of your anxiety in a different way.

3 Subtle Ways to Play Big that Successful People With Anxiety Already Do

Your anxiety comes up with many ways to keep you playing small.

Like when it talks you out of trying out for the team, convinces you not to pursue a promotion, keeps you from introducing yourself to that interesting person, or scares you away from going for the life you want. These examples are more of the classicly ‘overt’ ways anxiety rears its ugly head.

Another way, on a more subtle level, are the words you use. They are also influenced by your anxiety and can keep you playing small.

They are subtle ‘tells’ to be sure. But once you become aware of them they’ll stand out like a sore thumb. You’ll start to notice them all around you, not only in yourself but in others too. Start changing them and your anxiety will start to notice it is being challenged. You’ll start taking up more space. That’s a good thing. Anxiety flourishes when we play small.

Here are the top 3 ‘tells’ to be on the lookout for and stop doing:

1. Shrinkers. These are ways we frequently minimize the meaning or impact of what we are trying to communicate. We use words like “just”, “actually” and “almost”. We say or write things like, “I just think..”, “I actually disagree…”, or, “I almost want to opt for the other…” Although you’re not physically shrinking or avoiding things, when you use the words “just”, “actually” and “almost” in your communicating, you are energetically shrinking by devaluing your thoughts and opinions. These “shrinker” words reinforce anxiety’s message that it is right to fear taking up space. Work to eliminate them from your speaking and writing.
2. Unnecessary Apologies. This unfortunate habit is more prevalent in women than men but does the same thing. It keeps you small. Saying you are sorry is intended to be used when you have hurt someone’s feelings, have done something wrong, or have caused harm in some way. Not because you exist and are human. It’s also something to be used sparingly so it doesn’t lose it’s value and meaning. When your anxiety has you constantly saying things like, “Sorry to bother you but…” or “Sorry if this is a silly question…”, it’s time to do some serious editing. If you catch yourself writing like this in an email, delete it. If you find you use these words in conversation, stop yourself. It’s feeding your anxiety monster by keeping you in your “sorry” comfort zone. Catch yourself the next time you start apologizing.
3. Undermining disclaimers. Your anxiety can be not only clever but downright sneaky. There are times when it doesn’t make you totally avoid doing something, being bold and speaking up but it inserts itself in a way that keeps you safe…and small. It does so when you say or write things like, “I’m just thinking off the top of my head, but . . . ,” “I’m no expert in this, but . . . ,” or “You clearly know about this more than I do but . . .” You undermine your value with disclaimers to soften a potential negative response. Anxiety is all about the potential! When you notice your anxiety is showing up in this way, take a deep breath, delete the qualifier and simply say what you have to say.

What are other ways you’ve noticed that anxiety makes you speak small? I’d love to hear about them!

5 Signs Your Anxiety is Officially Ruining Your Life and 3 Things to Do

Denial ‘aint just a river in Egypt!

Nope, denial is alive and well all around us, and maybe even inside us. I know having people point things out to us is no match for our denial, but sometimes it hits us at the right time and in the right place to give us a needed glimmer. A reality check.

Check out the list below and see if anything glimmers. This might be just the right time and place for you.

1. You rarely have moments of feeling calm or settled anymore. Even on vacations or times when others are enjoying themselves.

2. You hate feeling crazy yet you’re almost resigned to the ups and downs of anxiety.

3. People close to you are tired of it too. You’re irritable, paranoid, not able to be comforted and yet not able to stop needing comfort.

4. You don’t really do much, you limit your activities to those you feel okay doing.

5. You’re exhausted by putting on a happy face and covering up your anxiety so no one knows. You feel tired and spent from the mental energy and deception this requires.

The good news, if any of these 5 things speak to you, help is available and anxiety treatment has a super high success rate. I’ve experienced it personally and see it in my private practice each week.

• You can start with reading information online from trusted sources or medical establishments.

• Or you can start by talking with your doctor or medical professional.

• Or you can visit a local mental health practitioner.

Baby steps in any of these areas will help you toward feeling better and leaving the land of denial. That's not a knock...it takes one to know one!

Top 5 Worry Myths and How to Stop Them

Fear is designed to serve our immediate, short-term self-protection needs. It is designed to activate ‘all-hands on deck’ and address the situation in the here and now. It is automatic and our friend.

Worry, on the other hand, is a different story. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking worry is helpful. Maybe we attribute worry to what motivates us to do things we need to do or protects us from bad things happening. But if constant worrying is perceived as helpful, it is only because we’ve created that belief system around that idea.

We’re not alone. This belief system is very common. Take a look at the top five worry myths that hook people and see if any get you.

1. Worrying will stop something bad from happening in the future.

2. Worrying about a negative outcome will prepare you for it.

3. Worrying helps you come up with all your options for a particular situation.

4. Worrying makes you feel as if you are actively doing something about the problem.

5. Worrying sometimes helps you avoid thinking about something else.

If you find some of these faulty beliefs might be contributing to your anxiety, you can learn to overcome them. If these beliefs are the way you see events or situations, you’ve reinforced the notion so much so they have become a habit in your way of thinking. The good news is habits can be changed with awareness, effort and practice.

In order to do this, you need to be aware of the times you are slipping into worry. When you recognize you are worrying about something stop and determine if these thoughts helpful or unhelpful.

They are helpful if they spur you to take a needed action, help you problem solve or remind you to take care of business for things you can control in the present. And then the worry dissipates.

On the other hand, they are unhelpful if you experience worry or anxiety over things you can’t control. They could even be about something you know is unrealistic or irrational. Unhelpful, right?

If your thoughts and feelings of worry and anxiety fall into the “unhelpful” category, you label them “false alarms.” One way to remember this is as Dr. Dan Siegel says, you have to “Name it to Tame it.”

You label your repetitive, unhelpful, worrisome thoughts false alarms because they are misguided attempts by your brain to protect you, by making you feel like there is something you can do. Even after you ruled out that possibility.

Here are your 5 steps to overcome constant worry:

1. Whenever you have an anxious thought or feeling, first determine if it is helpful or unhelpful.

2. If it is helpful, let it motivate you to do what you need to do. Then allow the anxious or worrisome thought to dissipate.

3. If it is unhelpful, thank your brain for trying to protect you and then label it a false alarm.

4. Turn your attention toward something else, something concrete in the here and now. Stop yourself from being pulled into thinking of the past or the future.

5. If it doesn’t start to go away, check to see if you are being hooked by one of the top five worry myths and then repeat step 4 until your worry stops being your primary focus.

Is Your Humblebrag Blocking Your Meditation Practice?

Humblebragging is pretty common in most circles when the topic of meditation comes up. People are quick to say “how active their mind is” or how they're "such an achiever, meditation always seems like a waste of their time.” And while those things are probably true, what jumps out at me is how as a culture we’ve elevated, either consciously or subconsciously, the notion that a mind that is constantly churning out (and churning over) millions of thoughts per second is more intelligent, creative and curious than those that don’t have all that going on in their head. And that those into meditation are a little “slower in the thinking area” to start with so meditation is easier for them. Or meant for those types.

The subtext to thinking of oneself as having a constant stream (or multiple streams) of thoughts, is that it signifies the thoughts are sooo important that you shouldn’t stifle them in any way. Or accidentally edit them. Or chance not having them in the first place. Or risk interfering with the reason you’re successful. Or potentially not being able keep all your balls in the air.

But I guess my real issue isn’t with the active-mind/achiever humblebrag or even with our culture’s elevation of the aforementioned thinking around having a constant stream of thoughts. When I drill down to it, my issue is that there are some pretty subtle yet substantial roadblocks keeping people from being able to experience all the success they want AND have a calmer, less repetitive and non-stop mind. The humblebrag is an example of one of them!

What other examples can you think of that keep people from cultivating a calmer, less repetitive and non-stop mind?

3 Common Code-Switch Terms for Fear of Not Being Good Enough

Perfectionist, Type A personality, Control freak are just some of the words that people use to describe themselves. These labels are pretty culturally acceptable and in some circles even boast-worthy!

And they’re not bad, they’re just, well, a cover-up.

They’re covering up a feeling that we learn very few skills to effectively deal with in a healthy way. That feeling is fear. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being discovered as a fake. Afraid that any sign of things not going your way might indicate a flaw that runs so deep you’ll be rejected.

The next time you feel the urge to be a perfectionist, control a situation or find yourself in an uptight bundle, get curious. Are you actually afraid of not being good enough in that moment or being revealed as not what people think you are?

What are some other code-switching examples like this that we do?

3 Sly Ways to Help Your S.O. Out of a Bad Mood

Let’s start out by saying it’s a slippery “rescuer” slope to get into the habit of regularly needing to help your significant other out of their bad mood. That said, every now and again it’s just what a good partner does. So, we’ll assume we’re talking about the latter and not the former. 

Here are 3 sly and counterintuitive approaches to get them turning their frown upside down in no time.

1. Meet them where they are. No, I don’t mean to mope around or slam that pint of ice cream too, but keep it chill. Staying in a low key mood instead of trying to cheer them up will allow them space to more quickly come out of their funk. Often when people are in a bad mood, cheerfulness is like nails on a chalkboard and raises their defenses to double down their bad mood.
2. Be more decisive. Again, totally counterintuitive and feels like we’re doing serious martial arts but being in a bad mood can make even simple decisions seem like a drag. So we can help our partners out by doing this little maneuver and free up their energy towards feeling better.
3. Mood music to the rescue. Pay attention to the background noises and ways you can subtly infuse some good vibes into the mix. Is there a favorite playlist you can drop or a loud somethingaruther you can turn down? Often we aren’t even aware of what we’re hearing but it can really effect our mood positively or negatively.

What are some sneaky ways you’ve tried? 

5 Ways to Care for Your Mental Health in Today’s World

Let’s face it, our mental health could use a little TLC. It doesn’t help to compare times as being more stressful or less stressful than times in the past. These days, stress seems to come with the territory. Period.

But there are things we can do to help ourselves out.

Here are 5 things to try:

1. Recognize that listening to the news, reading about it or seeing it impacts your thinking and nervous system. Take a 24-hour ‘news break’ at least two days a week. The longer the break the better.
2. Know that your breath has a VIP relationship with your nervous system. Your mind and body prioritize the calming effect of deep exhales when you are exposed to upsetting news. If you’re upset about something you just heard or something going on, make sure you take regular deep belly breaths with a longer exhale than inhale. One exercise is to breathe in for the count of 4, hold it for 4 and breathe out for 8.
3. Realize the positives that are going on each and every day. This won’t come via the main news outlets. If news is important to you, find sources that cover all the positive things going on in the world too and balance out the information you’re receiving.
4. Find a Loving-Kindness Guided Meditation on youtube and practice it daily. This meditation empowers us to use our energy for serious good and can be done anywhere and anytime.
5. Remind yourself of the quote from Theodore Parker used by Dr. Martin Luther King, “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”

What are some ways you give yourself some TLC?

3 1/2 Myths Blocking Your Meditation Slam Dunk

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times….no not Tale of Two Cities, I’m talking meditation! We have such a binary relationship with it. How can something supposedly be so helpful and easy but at the same time be so miserable and dreaded? I mean, on the face of it, it seems like the best thing since sliced bread. To receive amazing wellness benefits we don’t have to break a sweat, deny ourselves dessert or even spend any money. Seriously, how is this not a slam dunk?!?!

Well, it turns out a few beliefs that commonly stand in peoples’ ways. Here are 3 1/2 common goaltending mistakes (to keep the basketball reference going) that keep people from creating a regular meditation routine and reaping the benefits of meditation.

• Thinking meditation is an attempt to clear the mind. This is a huge misconception and total set up for disaster. Our minds will remain busy while we meditate and that’s ok. There’s even a type of meditation that uses that called ‘open monitoring’. But a more common type of meditation is ‘focused attention’ and that means you gently bring your attention back to a singular focus whenever it wanders. It has nothing to do with clearing the mind, it’s all about bringing it back to one thing.

• Underestimating the value of repeatedly realizing when your thoughts are spinning and bringing your attention back to one thing. We tend to go through the majority of our days on autopilot. Some of it is extremely helpful, like not thinking about how to brush our teeth or drive to work. On the other hand, sometimes our autopilot allows our thoughts to spin out of control or fester on negative things. So, it is super important to be able to get out of autopilot when needed. We do this by practicing recognizing your thoughts and turning your attention…aka, meditating.

• Not understanding how practicing meditation is like going to a gym for your mind. We don’t doubt or argue with the fact that if you want to get stronger and go to the gym and lift weights, over time you will get stronger. Why are we so baffled by the same line of thinking with meditation? These days we even have the benefit of research to back it up and yet…tough sell…doutbt…argue…

• Believing meditation requires a special setting. Nope. Anywhere works, no cushion and temple required.

Am I way off base? Please leave a comment and let me know how these work for you.