3 Ways Your High Functioning Anxiety is Holding You Back. And What to Do About It.

#1 You’re not allowing yourself to think “positive change” is possible for you. Negative change, no problem, you’ve got that one covered. THAT is always possible (and quite easy to imagine in vivid detail!) Positive change on the other hand, now that’s a foreign concept to high functioning anxiety folks like yourself. Which is so unfortunate. You are successful in what you’re doing (job or family or school or all of the above) and you’re able to look “put-together” to boot! Not fair! 

Yet the rub is that, despite your success and togetherness, you don’t feel calm and at ease. You’re not able to think positively about changes in the future without totally attacking them and sending them running for cover. With negativity and worry as your default, you’ll never feel calm and at ease. Now that’s unfair!

If this is you, here’s something to try. It takes practicing the strategy a few times before you get any traction but it’s worth it! Let’s say you really want a new job but the ‘golden handcuffs’ are ratcheted pretty tight. You can only think of how getting a new job isn’t possible and your focus is on all the things you might lose or that might go wrong if you try. So, you don’t pursue a new job out of your fear of change and your inability to imagine that positive change is possible for you.

Here’s your solution. It’s going to require you take the backdoor approach at first. Whenever you find you are struggling to think that positive change is possible for your situation, pretend you are talking with a friend. For reasons I don’t have time to go into here, humans are just better at dealing with other people’s problems than their own. So, in this pretend job scenario, every time your friend comes up with a worry or fear about looking for a new job or is stuck in predicting negative outcomes, help them evaluate the pros and cons. When it comes to the pros, you’ll find that you are able to generate more possibilities when it isn’t about you.

Going forward, each time you find yourself limited by your fear, worry and worst case scenarios, try approaching it from the angle of talking a friend through the situation. This is a surprisingly simple brain hack that helps you circumvent your usual saboteurs. Eventually, you’ll transfer this ‘friend’ perspective taking directly onto yourself first go-round!

#2 You’re too embarrassed to admit something is wrong so it’ll just keep holding you back. I mean, you have soooo much to be thankful for, it just doesn’t make any sense that you find yourself fearful, anxious, and worried sick over stuff that most likely will never happen! Or worse, stuff you know is highly irrational and ridiculous. Still, it’s on your mind 24/7 and you feel totally ashamed to have this weakness. This Achilles heel has turned into your deeply anchored secret and you don’t seek help for it because you don’t want anyone else to know.

Here’s what to do. You have to let someone else know BUT you can choose who that is. And might I suggest that person be a therapist. The reason I jump right to a therapist is because I know you, well, people like you, and there are two lines of thinking behind my suggestion.

First, the thought of telling a close friend, colleague or partner is most likely too threatening. If you’ve held your anxiety close to the vest for this long, I doubt you’re going to be moved by mere suggestion to “expose” yourself to someone close to you. Secondly, therapists offer THE quickest route to finding relief from your anxiety. They make the difference between a DIY project that takes way too long and many times turn out wobbly and having professionals come in and get the job done right. It’s what they do so you skip the learning curve and head right to the getting better part.

I understand the embarrassment part, because that is how many feel when things about themselves are less than perfect. However, there is no reason to be embarrassed that you are human. Therapists are used to hearing all sorts of things and are paid to not judge you…so go for it.

#3 You’re not allowing yourself to enjoy what you have, so your anxiety is reinforced. Where in the world did the notion of ‘jinxing oneself” come from when appreciating the good things in your life? I mean, where is the data to support that this is something that actually happens? And do YOU want to be the one to go against it and find it to be true? Heck no! And the “jinxing oneself” myth continues…

This is a common sentiment among high achieving folks and I’m wondering if you can be added to the ranks? You do realize how great things are for you (especially comparatively) but you’re totally afraid to enjoy it for fear that you might jinx yourself and lose it.

The temptation and natural inclination may be to continue to keep your guard up and keep your anxiety up. And while you may feel as if you’re protecting yourself and your loved ones, the only thing you’re really protecting is your anxiety. Anxiety thrives on protection.

Here’s something to try instead. Practice taking a deep breath and repeating to yourself throughout the day the short phrase, “Life is good right now”. Do it as often as you think of it. In addition to this, start each day thinking of three things you are grateful for. The combination of these two practices will soon make a profound difference in your life.

What would you add to this list in terms of ways your high functioning anxiety is holding you back? Leave a comment below. 

For a 3 Ways to Not Suck at Meditating Cheatsheet click here.

Confident in Your Pitch, In Yourself? How to Be Both.

Confidence in what you’re pitching. Confidence in the work you do for clients. Confidence in yourself. Are those things different? Can you have one without the others? Or, better question, can you do something about it if you find one wavering?!? As an entrepreneur in charge of keeping a million balls in the air and being responsible for untold facets of your company- all while not totally knowing if your company’s going to even exist next year- the confidence question is one that needs to be settled. Luckily, the answer to the last question is yes, there is something you can do about your confidence if it is wavering.

Many think overcoming a lack of confidence takes years on a couch painfully recounting all the “skeletons from your closet” to a therapist. Or that it can be boosted with a few well-worded positive affirmations posted around your office and chanted every hour on the hour. Neither could be further from the truth.

Significant gains in confidence are only made with an earnest commitment to learning skills if needed, practice, and upgrading one’s mindset.

What we often think of as “confidence” is actually a collection of beliefs that we think need to be true in order for us to feel self-assured or optimistic. I’ve listed some of the main beliefs I’ve heard over the years when it comes to being an entrepreneur. Read through the lists and answer experience of “yes”, “sometimes”, “no” to each belief.

List 1

• I believe in the product or service I am pitching.
• I believe I can communicate what I do in a manner that others will see my value.
• I believe I know my stuff, can answer in depth questions or admit when I don’t know something.
• I believe in my ability to keep doing whatever is needed every step of the way and bounce back from rejection.
• I believe I’m a good person and that’s not indicated by the acceptance of my pitch or project.

List 2

• I believe the outcome or results of the product or service I’m pitching will always happen just as I say.
• I believe I can always persuade others to see things my way and buy/invest in me.
• I believe I can always answer others’ questions.
• I believe that everything will always go the way I want them to go.
• I believe others agree that I’m a good person because they accept my pitch or project.

List 1 reflects the part of the confidence equation relating to what you can control: your skills, experience, and mindset. If you answered “yes” to a statement in List 1 then you are on solid ground to “feel confident” in that area. Meaning, you have the skills to execute on that belief. Nice!

If you answered “sometimes” or “no” to any in the first list, it indicates an area of growth for you. Use it to point you in the direction of acquiring or enhancing specific skills. As you grow in these areas, you will feel more confident. Real confidence, not artificial confidence.

Don’t feel bad if you answered “no” or “sometimes” to any of these. They don’t reflect your ability or aptitude, just an honest appraisal of where you are in relation to those skills. 

If you’re wanting “confidence” in your business, your ideas and yourself, work on these areas and see your feelings of confidence skyrocket!

List 2 reflects the part of the confidence equation that you can’t control (bummer!) It is the part of business and working with people, however, that we often rely on to determine our level of “confidence”. Unfortunately, it is the least accurate. Somewhere along the line, in our desire to feel control and reassured, we convince ourselves that the beliefs in List 2 have to be “true” in order for us to feel confident in our ideas or ourselves. We conflate guarantee with confidence in ourselves or our ideas.

Real confidence is built on shoring up what you can control and recognizing what you can’t. 

Reflect on your answers to List 2. If you answered “yes” or “sometimes” to any of them it’s time for a mindset shift. Sure, it would be nice if you could always count on things going your way but that isn’t realistic. 

So the mindset shift is to recognize that you can feel confident even if you can’t control the outcome.

This mindset shift can occur just by deciding to shift. 

You don’t need any fancy intervention or years with Freud. Simply practice shifting away from connecting your “confidence” with anything on List 2. The more you practice this shift, the more separate these beliefs will be from your feelings of confidence. Before you know it, you’ll be feeling stronger and more grounded in “real” confidence!

Are We Cut Out for this Entrepreneurial Sh*t? Skills for Anxiety

Strike one: our minds are incredibly averse to uncertainty, ambiguity, and rejection. Strike two: our bodies are hot-wired to swiftly react first, ask helpful questions later. Strike three: the very definition of being an entrepreneur requires us to thrive in the first and to zen master the second.

A surefire recipe for disaster? A paradox against humanity? A total setup for anxiety?

It doesn’t have to be. But you’ll want to keep reading because you can’t continue full speed ahead relying on your big brain instincts and the catlike reflexes you’ve become accustomed to.

Your life as an entrepreneur, while pitting you against your basic 300,000 year old genetic coding, can be hugely gratifying, successful and anxiety minimized IF you realize you are uniquely poised to capitalize on two evolutionary hail marys. Neuroplasticity and awareness.

Neuroplasticity is the updated understanding of our brain’s ability, with consistent practice, to continue to learn and change throughout our life. This updated notion is that our thoughts and feelings don’t get set into stone. Although we start with biases or preferences, they are changeable. Neuroplasticity, then, means that you can be trained to thrive despite your brain’s huge dislike of uncertainty, ambiguity, and rejection.

Tag-teaming the brain’s neuroplasticity is our ability to train greater awareness into our day to day. Greater awareness is the ability for us to identify things in real time, as life is actually happening. By increasing your sense of thoughts and feelings in real time, you will be able to pause your autopilot and choose and direct your reactions. Awareness is your antidote to your body’s wiring of reacting first, asking questions later.

In order thrive as an entrepreneur (and enjoy your life), it’s critical to learn how to use neuroplasticity and awareness to positively override a few components in your factory installed operating system. Let me break these down into a few actionable ideas you can start using right away.

1. Your brain prefers efficiency, the future, and ruts. It will often (and repeatedly) default to fear, anxiety and worst case scenario thinking about things that are not happening in real time. Sure, there may be a chance of bad things happening in the future, but that doesn’t mean you have to be consumed by those things 24/7. Actually, after you think about these potentials once or twice, they need to be turned off. They actively start working against you instead of for you.

2. The first couple times you receive the message of fear, anxiety, worst case scenario thinking check them out and take action, if action is needed. Then, if you still keep having these thoughts, label them false alarms and purposefully turn your attention to think of something else. (Often as entrepreneurs worst case scenario thinking is helpful for its ability to help us problem solve every angle and anticipate challenges. Fair enough. As long as you use your problem solving for good. If you find you’ve exhausted this helpful exercise, then it is time to turn it off by labeling them false alarms. )

3. Keep it short. Don’t get into a long winded internal diatribe against these thoughts of fear, anxiety, and worst case scenarios. Label them false alarms. Short and sweet...and accurate. They are false alarms not because there isn’t some truth to what you are thinking and feeling. They are false alarms because you’ve already received the message but your brain keeps sending it as if you haven’t. It would be like continuing to call 911 when the fire truck is already in your driveway.

4. Your breath has a VIP relationship with your nervous system. Regular slow, deep, rhythmic breathing is essential to mitigating panicky reactions and disruptive overreactions. Bonus results for longer exhales than inhales.

5. Slow, deep belly breathing, in addition to calming your overreaction reflex, helps increase your general awareness of thoughts and feelings. This is a total backdoor hack. You are not focusing on source of your thoughts and feelings in order to increase your awareness. Your breathing is the big domino that gets all good things going.

6. When you are aware of your thoughts and feelings, you can stop your anxiety in its’ tracks by labeling it a false alarm, turning your attention to something else and taking deep belly breaths.

7. Rinse and repeat.

I’m biased but I think the world will be saved by entrepreneurs. Okay, biased and dramatic. Even so, this fuels my interest in helping entrepreneurs learn the skills, tools, and strategies to stay in the game and thrive. Leave a comment regarding how these strategies work for you and any other strategies you use to prevent and overcome anxiety.

11 Hidden Hooks of Anxiety

Do you feel that despite your best efforts at overcoming your anxiety you are making two steps forward and three steps back? You’re not alone.

After working with many people with anxiety, I’ve uncovered some “hidden” beliefs or reasons why one may stay hooked to worry, fear and anxiety, despite hating these feelings. The following hidden beliefs are extremely common. Don’t feel bad if they are tripping you up too.

Worry Myths

We’ll start with the Top 5 Worry Myths. Many people are surprised to learn they’re hooked by one or more of the following beliefs:

1. Worrying will stop something bad from happening in the future.

2. Worrying about a negative outcome will prepare me for it.

3. Worrying helps me come up with all my options for a particular situation.

4. Worrying helps me feel as if I’m doing something about the problem.

5. Worrying sometimes helps me avoid thinking about something else.

Patterns That May Contribute To Your Anxiety

Here are a few others that may resonate with you and keep you holding on to your old patterns:

• Your success at work demands that you’re constantly thinking ahead, juggling, planning, problem solving. You don’t want to risk messing up, and you feel your worry and anxiety make sure you don’t.
• You are the hub that holds your busy family together. Getting everyone to where they need to go, when they need to be there, with what they need to have, and completing what they need to have completed. You need to be thinking all the time, or things will start to fall apart. Worry and anxiety just come with the territory of being a good parent.
• Worrying shows that you care and are keeping problems, yours and others’, front and center in your mind. If you stop worrying, it’ll be like you stop caring.

Or how about these:

• You’ve always been really sensitive and intuitive. Although it has its downsides, you’ve always considered it something that made you special. When you feel anxious or worrisome thoughts, it may be a premonition, and you don’t want to risk not listening to it.
• Your mom or dad seemed to worry a lot or have anxiety. In a way that is hard for you to explain, you feel more connected to them when you worry or have anxiety too. Especially if they are no longer with you and you miss them.
• You grew up vowing not to be __________ (i.e., poor, alcoholic, overweight, sick, unhappy, etc.) like your family. If you aren’t constantly worried and thinking of these things, you’re afraid you may follow in their footsteps.

We humans are complex creatures. At the most core level we operate around two principles: avoid pain and seek pleasure. What we view as pain and pleasure aren’t always obvious. Subconsciously we may “hide” important pieces of information from ourselves, or start reinforcing behaviors based on erroneous beliefs.

And then we’re blindsided when we experience bumps in the road. Do any of these hidden hooks resonate with you?

Don't Wrestle with Pigs

Don’t wrestle with a pig, because you both get dirty but the pig loves it.

I think of stress as the pig.

Stress is cumulative and can quietly push you to a breaking point…often without you noticing it is getting that bad. And it’s not a reflection on what you’re made of or how strong you are. You simply start wrestling with something that starts becoming bigger than you are.

Stress loves to wrestle and is great at it.

Enormous amounts of work, constant deadlines and non-stop problem solving can create a perfect storm of tunnel vision, stress and burnout (also, depression and anxiety). Your responsibilities keep growing and the stakes keep getting higher. Your stress management skills need to follow suit and upgrade too, but who has time to learn how to do that?

To be fair, I’m a fan of both stress and pessimism to a degree. A certain amount of good stress gives us the adrenaline and focus we need to continue being successful. And a certain dose of pessimism even gives us the attention to the detail we need to pay attention to the things we need to be paying attention to.

Unfortunately, for most of us at this point of our careers and business, our stress gauge is broken and we lose our sense of that helpful line. Our stress gauge simply needs to be recalibrated.

Here are a couple of tools to help us do that.

The Wisdom to Know the Difference. First, there are two types of stress in general: Good stress and bad or futile stress. Good stress has to do with things you can do something about, or work toward doing something about. Bad or futile stress involve things that are out of your hands. It’s is necessary to cultivate the wisdom and actively identify the difference between these two.

Once you categorize your stress, you need to take appropriate steps. For good stress, you need take the action it is calling for. That is how good stress was intended to operate in us. It was intended to prompt an action for you to take. Once taken, your body is designed to close the stress loop and dissipate.

With bad stress, when there is really nothing you can do and all the stress is doing is freaking you out, you need to let go of it. Easier said than done, I know. But you need to recognize that it is in the futile stress category and break your habit of worrying about it.

Sometimes people think that worrying about it is doing something to help the situation. But it’s not. It’s a habit and for some borders on an addiction.

So the first tool is to increase your awareness of the two categories. Take action on the good stresses and let go of your futile stresses.

Also, Connect to the outside world. In person, not online. The best antidote to dealing with stress is to do something social, connect with other human beings. A common tendency for those feeling a ton of stress is to hole themselves up, nose to the grindstone, and forget about everything else.

This coping habit of isolation accelerates the negative consequences of stress. Connecting with people, on the other hand, even for short periods of time will help you get through times of stress.

Start categorizing your stress and reaching out to people today, even if you aren’t overwhelmed. Remember after all, “We don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.” Thanks Archilochus.

If you’re the DIY, super busy, dip-your-toe-in-before-diving type and would like to overcome your anxiety in the comfort, convenience and privacy of your own home, check out my book.

3 Hidden Ways Your Brain Plays Favorites

Your brain plays favorites.

I realized this later in the game than I would’ve liked. As with compounding interest, this information would’ve done me a ton of good had I come across it years ago. But I didn’t.

I had no reason to suspect my thoughts weren’t playing on a level playing field. I’m a compassionate person with a penchant for equal rights and a slight obsession toward self-improvement. I thought I had my bases covered! But I hadn’t realized that thoughts and “reality” were such moving and biased targets. Thanks to the stealthy ways of my brains, they shaped my experiences without me even noticing.

Let me break down 3 popular and stealthy ways our brains show favorites. These 3 areas areas are particularly helpful to know when working to transform your anxiety, but they are also a boon to overcoming everything ranging from lack of confidence to negative self talk.

Availability- Your brain favors the first thought that pops into your mind. This can be when answering questions, thinking of ideas, or even the first thought that pops into your mind when you wake up in the morning. And then it looks for information to back it up. Your brain looks for hits, not misses. Meaning, once you have that first available thought, you will see things that agree with and support you while overlooking the things that disagree or challenge you. This really hinders those with anxiety because we unfortunately often have worried and fearful thoughts come to mind first.

Association- Your brain favors the connections and associations it has made in the past. Prizing efficiency, your brain defaults to the links it already knows. Because your brain favors them so strongly, you often end up keeping the old associations and patterns without questioning them. With anxiety it is often these super strong associations that mess you up in certain situations and events, perpetuating your anxiety.

Action- Your brain favors action. This means it is informed by what you do, and what you do makes a strong impression. This is a big one with anxiety because when you actively avoid whatever you are anxious about, it reinforces to your brain that it is sending the right messages. The thing you are avoiding is indeed something to be feared and best avoided.

But wait, there’s more! These 3 areas are also malleable. They can be molded by your positive and consistent influences. You can manually go in and start inserting the thoughts you want, the associations you like more and the actions you enjoy so that they become your brain’s updated go-to, default system. Let me explain how to do this.

1. Become aware when your thoughts and associations are negative, anxious or avoidant.
2. Manually choose a new thought, association or action. You can even say to yourself something like this, “That was my old thought/association/feeling. It makes sense that I thought that given what I now know about the brain. But, given what I now know about my brain, I choose to replace it with this.” A bit lengthy, I agree, so shorten it up as you please.
3. Expect your brain to try to reinforce the old way. I mean we are asking our brain exert more energy, and who wouldn’t give a little pushback on that?
4. Stay strong. Continue to manually insert this new thought, association or action. Continue to question your old ones. None of these things are set in stone.

The reason we can upgrade and insert the thoughts, associations and actions with the ones of our choosing is because the old ones created self-fulfilling prophecies without us even knowing. They aren’t more accurate or true. The fact that your brain favored them over the years without you knowing made them into your experience, what you came to be familiar with, and true to you.

With consistent reinforcement and practice you can make new first available thoughts, associations and actions starting now!

With Anxiety, Your Breath is Boss!

Your breath has a VIP relationship with your nervous system.

That’s right, no middleman (or woman :-). Your breath enjoys a direct line to the culprit that makes us feel like we’re freaking out or feel as calm as a cucumber, your nervous system. And it has this privilege any time it wants. Night, day, rain, shine, it doesn’t matter. Your breath is that important!

So why, when we’re anxious, do we spend so much time trying to communicate with the non-decision makers? The mid-level managers? The second string? Why do we mentally berate ourselves or plead with our racing thoughts to just calm down already? Or try to claw our way out of a mental downward spiral with logic and reasoning, even though that hasn’t worked the last 999 times we tried it?

It’s okay, you’re in good company. We all start this way. We are so conditioned to believe that our brain is the end-all-be-all that we often totally overlook the power of our body and breath. And in this case, our breath is boss.

But knowledge is power! Actually knowledge followed by consistent daily practice is power! SO, here you go. The next time you start to feel your anxiety rising, go directly to your C suite for solutions, your breath.

Specifically slowing down your breath. And exhaling longer than your inhale.

That last part may sound weird but let me explain. When we breathe, we inhale and exhale. I know you know that but bare with me. Often we get in the habit of inhaling and exhaling mainly from our chest area which, truth be told, is not a very satisfying way to breathe for our brain or body (but that is for another article.) Optimally, we should breathe slowly, deeply, and rhythmically from our belly not our chest.

Further breaking down our breathing mechanics, our exhale informs our parasympathetic nervous system which controls our rest-and-digest functions. And our inhale informs our sympathetic nervous system which controls our fight-or-flight functions. Think of it like your parasympathetic nervous system as your body’s brakes and your sympathetic nervous system your body’s gas.

Now, when we start feeling anxious, our breathing typically turns to fast and shallow inhales with barely an exhale to speak of. When this happens, we typically feel even more anxious because it revs up our fight-or-flight response. What we need instead is our brake response.

Enter the exhale. When you start feeling anxious, make a concerted effort to change your breathing pattern. You want to consciously exhale longer than your inhale. And as you are doing that, you want to slow down your breathing altogether.

So how exactly do you do this? Count. Count the “seconds” of your inhale and the seconds of your exhale, making your exhale longer. You may start out inhaling for 2, exhaling for 3. No problem, start wherever you are. Then your next few breaths try inhaling for 3, exhaling for 5. And continue until your breathing has slowed down and your anxiety is starting to dissipate.

Counting serves as a bonus in that it puts your attention onto something other than your whirling dervish anxious mind.

Give it a try and let me know how Boss your breath is!

3 Easy Steps to Stop Expecting the Worst

I remember when I learned there was a technical name for it.

Making “negative predictions”.

Expecting not to enjoy a party, check. Expecting to feel too tired to exercise, check. Expecting that your boss won't like an idea, etc., check, check. They oozed out so naturally that I never really took the time to think about them.

Saying I was prone to “negative predictions” was an understatement. I thought them ALL the time. But I always thought that that was just me. My personality. Just the way I was.

In my defense, it wasn’t like I was a Debbie Downer. As a matter of fact, my friends and coworkers would have been shocked to learn of this personality trait of mine.

Well, as it turns out this is pretty common. 

And as it turns out, we're not up a creek without a paddle.

Negative predictions are highly treatable because they are simply habits. (They are not a part of our DNA.) And like all habits you want to stop, a plan and practice is your ticket outta there.

So here is your three step plan:

1. Recognize that “negative predictions” are a real thing. They happen to the best of us, even if we aren’t total grinches. So, kindly acknowledge it is a habit you’ve gotten into and move to step 2.

2. Notice when you are doing it. Make a game out of it. A point for every time Negative Nellie (or Ned) comes out. Five points for every time you predict you’re about to make a negative prediction. Extra points for the “meta” expert level of difficulty.

3. Switch your focus to something else. Something concretely in the present. The key to disrupting any habit is, well, disrupting it. In order to do that you have to turn your attention to something else and let the old thought or feeling move on by.

Repeat steps 2 and 3 until you have moved past the negative prediction. It is important to note that you are not trying to insert the opposite (Positive Paula), and you aren’t trying to rationalize why you shouldn’t think negatively about this or that. Life is too short to substitute ineffective habits for bad habits. 

By consistently using the 3 Step Plan above, you will create new neural pathways and see your negative predictions start to diminish.

Okay, that explains the how but why is it that important to do so? "After all, it's not the worst habit I could have?" I hear you asking. Well, actually there's a bit more to the story, it doesn't end with the prediction.

You see, the brain looks for hits and not misses. By that I mean, the brain looks for information to support what it thinks. And the brain is pretty much oblivious to information that challenges what we think. So, if we are in the habit of predicting the worst, we have almost sealed the deal that that will happen.

Our brains look for hits and not misses. 

"But I'm just being a realist!" I hear you state emphatically. Well, actually, I can't really argue with you there...but not for the reasons you think. You are being a realist because your thoughts play an enormous role in creating your reality! So I won't bet against you on that. 

What I will bet on, however, is that if you start becoming more aware of your negative predictions and shifting your attention away from them you, few if any will come true!

Let me know your experience with negative predictions and how they work for you. 

Confidence- Yours for the Taking!

Don’t be fooled into thinking some people are born with confidence and others aren’t. Confidence is a skill to be learned like riding a bike or coding an app or managing a project!

You don’t have to look too far to see self-confident people. They are the ones around you that face their fears head-on and take the risks you’d like to take. They exude charisma regardless of the challenges that come their way, knowing they have the ability to get past them. And they tend to see their lives in a positive light, with a cup-half-full kind of attitude.

These people are often in leadership positions, which isn’t really a surprise.  Self-confidence is an integral part of the equation of personal and professional success. You’d think something so important would be taught to us along the way, but sadly it isn’t. 

Scientists are still trying to determine if there are specific biological markers for confidence. As of now, although there is some evidence that confidence may come easier to some than others, the overriding evidence appears that it is available to everyone for the taking.

The reason? The development of confidence is largely a learned quality reinforced and perpetuated by habits. And we can all practice good habits.

Confidence, like many other qualities we admire in people, is the result of thousands of small subconscious thoughts, beliefs, decisions and behaviors made over the course of years. They become such a habit most confident people don’t even realize they are doing them.

If you lack confidence, then, it isn’t because you didn’t get the “confidence gene” or are broken in some way. Although sometimes it can feel that way. It’s that you haven’t been practicing the right habits.

And, you don’t need to be hard on yourself for this. Or for getting caught up in habits that work against you. Your mission starting now and going forward is clear and the prognosis for developing confidence is excellent! To increase your confidence you just need to adopt some targeted skills that bias you toward taking action. And then repeat them over and over until they become a habit.

Notice confidence, real confidence that will span your lifetime, isn’t built on how you look, how smart you are, or what type of job you have. Those things fluctuate too much to tie your confidence to. 

But first, a little warning. The most common mistake that people make when pursuing change is setting their sights on a particular event, a massive transformation, or an overnight success they want to achieve, rather than focusing on what it takes to make it happen. It’s okay to be excited about the new skills you’ll be developing but it is also important to treat any type of change as a journey. Or in another way, see it like a marathon and not a sprint. Forming habits and routines take practice and repetition. So plan on confidence taking a little time to cultivate and you’ll set yourself up for long-term success!

My Unexpected Life Lesson from a Teddy Bear

Growing up, my family was really close with my aunt and uncle and their 3 kids. Every summer we packed into a big house together on the beach for a week, each year we alternated hosting Christmas gatherings, and enjoyed many other visits due to the sheer number of birthdays and important occasions to celebrate. It was always super fun.

One visit I came upon one of my cousin’s stuffed teddy bears that sang a catchy song. I sang it so many times that day that it was converted to memory. It went like this,”Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect, and whistle a happy tune so no one will suspect I’m afraid.”

As time went on, that song stayed with me. I found I naturally used it whenever I was feeling spooked, unsure or when I was doing something for the first time. I remember singing that song over and over as I got past my feelings of being scared or needing courage.

I had totally forgotten about this song until literally the other day. NPR was on in the background and they had a short story about the 1950’s movie, The King and I. I’ve never seen the movie and wasn’t really paying attention to the story when I heard the song being sung. It was a song I had sung a thousand times before and yet this was the first time I learned that it was a well known song from this popular movie!

I tell you this story to illustrate something that I stumbled upon that was profoundly helpful to me growing up, although I didn’t know it at the time. What I stumbled upon through the repeated singing of this song, was a way to help me regulate my body and emotions when I got scared. Singing this song over and over in my head allowed me to let the wave of frightened and worried body sensations or feelings of dread and anxiety wash through and past me. As a kid, it gave me a tool to help me tolerate my discomfort and soothe myself during those tough times.

A humongous part of transforming our anxiety (and I’d say enjoying life too) is to have healthy tools we can use to help us soothe ourselves, regulate our emotions and tolerate discomfort.

What I mean by that is when we start to feel our anxiety rise or when we start in on a panicky episode, that we are able to “weather it”, to soothe ourselves as we see it through.

We are able to tolerate how it feels in our bodies and how uncomfortable our thoughts and emotions are without needing to do anything impulsive, drastic or unhealthy to try to make it all stop and pretend it isn’t a part of our being human. I say this because so many women use food, alcohol, avoiding or isolating themselves in their attempt to tolerate discomfort. I can relate, that was totally my experience in my early twenties.

To really get the benefits of tolerating discomfort, it’s critical that we’re anchoring it in the understanding of ‘easing and staying present’ versus ‘finding a distraction and ignoring’.

It isn’t going to be insta-warm fuzzy. But the empowering feeling you will get when you “know” you got this becomes a close runner up!

Now sometimes we experience anxiety when we are avoiding doing things we should be doing (like taking care of our health or planning for retirement) or doing things we shouldn’t be doing (like spending more money than we make or being deceitful to a spouse) or are in an unhealthy relationships, personally or professionally. I won’t go into detail about these but it is important I make the distinction that I’m not advocating learning how to tolerate discomfort in those anxiety provoking situations.

If you resonate with any of those, please reach out to me or another professional who can help you tackle those barriers in order to get to the relief that you are seeking and deserve.

Okay, back to ways to feel even-keeled when the proverbial waters get rough. Since we know with anxiety that we are mainly operating out of our emotions and physical reactions, a great place to start with self soothing is through our senses. Finding something that soothes one or more of our senses can be extremely effective in calming our nervous system and moving through our intense emotions.

My suggestion is to pick a couple ideas to put in place so you have a bona fide plan when you feel your anxiety rising. Let’s stop leaving things up to chance or wishful thinking, our lives are too precious for that.

Ideas for Sight: Carry a picture with you of someone/something/someplace that makes you feel comforted or happy, and pull it out when you start to feel anxious. Put it as the screensaver on your phone. Keep a vase of fresh flowers in your office. If you can, regularly go outside to a pretty place and take in the sights. Look at your favorite book of art or nature. Light a candle and watch the flame. (I have a child- proof battery operated one that I love!)

Ideas for Smell: Use a soap or shampoo with a scent you really like or that reminds you of something comforting. Get a small bottle of lavender essential oil to smell or dab on your wrist each day. Smell the flowers in your office or home, bake a loaf of bread or anything that smells like comfort food. Light a scented candle, or recall the scent of your grandma’s perfume.

Ideas for Hearing: Have a couple songs you love downloaded on your phone to listen to. Listen to the birds outside. Sing a song in your head or listen to a guided meditation. (Tara Brach has some good free ones at tarabrach.com.) Call a friend whose “Hello?” is comfort enough. Repeat a prayer or mantra in your head or aloud.

Ideas for Touching: Wear a piece of soft clothing you can either feel on your skin or touch. Keep a smooth stone in your pocket to rub. Pet an animal. Take a warm bath. Knead dough. Make yourself yawn. Feel the soft cushion or mattress below you.

Ideas for Tasting: Drink a cup of herbal tea. Chew a piece of gum. Cook a favorite dish. For this category, really be aware to avoid foods or drinks that aren’t good for you. Those should not be used for soothing purposes.