7 Reasons You Hold On To Your Anxious Thoughts

I have a theory about why it is hard for us to let go of our thoughts in general and let go of our anxiety, in particular. Here it is.

Let’s face it. It sounds infinitely more interesting to hear from someone that they find it impossible to calm their busy mind than to hear that they have times when they aren’t really thinking about anything, or that they routinely meditate.  We automatically infer that that person must have soooo much to keep track of, is extremely important, constantly problem solving, has too many intriguing and creative ideas to let go of or is super productive. Contrast that to the person who doesn’t have a whirling dervish of a mind and we infer underachiever, dull and, dare I say, not very smart.

That’s a problem. With that perception there’s obviously very little motivation for us to move towards the latter.

All this brings to mind a humorous story about my first time meditating years ago. I honestly couldn’t believe I was being instructed NOT to pay attention to all the creative, insightful and intelligent thoughts that were ping-ponging rapid fire in my brain. I mean, they were soooo interesting! And from my six years of psychology education, I knew immediately they were intrinsically meaningful and important to be having them at that at that moment, so I had to listen.

Sure, I was aware that meditating and being able to cultivate “on-call” focus had been proven to have a bazillion positive benefits for my health and general well-being. After all, that is why I was there.  

But with my experience on the cushion that day, I thought to myself that there must’ve been some mistake or misunderstanding. I concluded that the people touting these benefits probably started from a different place than me. Certainly, if they had had my interesting and creative thoughts they wouldn’t suggest that...not at the expense of...

Whoa, did my thoughts have me. Hook, line and sinker! I had totally fallen for them! And as a result indulged in 40 minutes of gloriously reassuring “me time” that day

Fortunately, starting that unsuspecting day, perched crossed legged on an unreasonably small cushion, a slight opening was forced into my belief system. The instruction that made me question the need for my 24/7 thoughts and their “amazingness” eventually led to a bigger opening that, over time and practice, turned into a deep crevasse of time and space away from my thoughts.

AND most importantly enabled me to let go of my anxiety.

So let me bring this around to our anxiety. In order to be able to “let go” of the thoughts that make us anxious or worried we need to practice letting go and not being attached to our thoughts in general. But don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be a formal meditation, practiced on a teeny cushion with a group.

It just has to be done.

But this is probably not the first time you’ve heard this so we need to figure out possible reasons we stay so attached to our thinking and thoughts.

I’ve compiled a list of reasons you may be subconsciously preventing yourself from letting go of thoughts in general or anxious thoughts in particular. Now by subconscious don’t think Freud type subconscious, think more like the podcasts Hidden Brain by Shankar Vedantam or Invisibilia with Alix Spiegel, Lulu Miller and Hana Rosen. Both of these podcasts cover stories of the “invisible forces that shape human behavior” and are great listening for your morning commute or folding laundry, walking your dog, running, or whenever.

First, take a deep breath and keep taking deep breaths as you see if any of these could be a fit for you. Again, the point is that you’ve probably been wanting your uncomfortable and disruptive thoughts to be gone for a while. So, if they are sticking around, there may be a reason on this list that you haven’t thought of.

• Your success at work demands that you’re constantly thinking ahead, juggling, planning, problem solving. You don’t want to risk messing up, and you feel your worry and anxiety make sure you don’t.

• You are the hub that holds your busy family together. Getting everyone to where they need to go, when they need to be there, with what they need to have, and completing what they need to have completed. You need to be thinking all the time, or things will start to fall apart. Worry and anxiety just come with the territory of being a good parent.

• Worrying shows that you care and are keeping problems, yours and others’, front and center in your mind. If you stop worrying, it’ll be like you stop caring.

Or how about these:

• You’ve always been really sensitive and intuitive. Although it has its downsides, you’ve always considered it something that made you special. When you feel anxious or worrisome thoughts, it may be a premonition, and you don’t want to risk not listening to it.

• Your mom or dad seemed to worry a lot or have anxiety. In a way that is hard for you to explain, you feel more connected to them when you worry or have anxiety too. Especially if they are no longer with you and you miss them.

• You grew up vowing not to be __________ (i.e., poor, alcoholic, overweight, sick, unhappy, etc.) like your family. If you aren’t constantly worried and thinking of these things, you’re afraid you may follow in their footsteps.

We humans are complex creatures. At the most core level we operate around two principles: avoid pain and seek pleasure. What we view as pain and pleasure aren't always obvious. Subconsciously we may "hide" important pieces of information from ourselves, or start reinforcing behaviors based on erroneous beliefs.

Getting back to my theory. My theory is that we’ve become convinced that a busy, anxious, ruminating brain is better than risking a calm and potentially dull one. Or, we have deep seated unbeknownst-to-us-beliefs that keep us convinced that our busy, anxious, ruminating brain is better than the unknown of change.
What do you think?

5 Easy Ways to Project Confidence

Thanks to human foibles, you can make small changes to how you act and what you do to instantly increase how much confidence you project to others. It’s remarkable just how easy these things are!

We’re told, “You never get a chance to make a second impression” and at the same time, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Is it any wonder we end up confused? Let me help by bringing in the wisdom of balance.

It’s important to recognize that humans are wired to make quick impressions. It’s how our species has survived and will continue to survive. That said, let’s face it, the things we need to look out for are very different today than the saber tooth tigers of long ago. But, since we can’t get around the fact that first impressions happen, we should embrace them. Here are some built in ways at your disposal to project confidence in any situation you need it.

1. Acknowledge your strengths. We all have them. An easy exercise to help you identify your strengths and project confidence is to:

• Think of a past success that filled you with pride and a high sense of achievement.

• Recall the feeling of power and certainty you experienced – and remember or imagine how you looked and sounded. Really try to remember and feel as many details as you can.

• Recall this genuine emotion and situation before doing anything where you want to project confidence: entering the meeting room, walking up to the podium or meeting your gorgeous blind date.

2. Improve your posture. The way you hold your body speaks volumes! Notice I didn’t say the way you hold your perfectly beautiful and in-shape body. The way your body looks matters less in the projecting confidence department than the way you hold yourself. Please tell that to your critical self talk! So get in the habit of rolling your shoulders back, standing up tall and keeping your chin up and you’ll be ready!

3. Choose optimism. Spending too much time worrying about troublesome aspects or negative outcomes is a waste of mental energy and can spill over into interactions with others. It’s important to solve your problems, but work on doing so from a glass-is-half-full perspective. And focus on the positive when with others. Both of these things will emanate confidence!

4. Dress the part. Your appearance is the thing people see first. They look at your clothes, hair, shoes, etc. They make assumptions about you before you even open your mouth. This is said not to make you nervous that you have to be perfect. Because you don’t have to be perfect.

But it is important to know the type of dress, behaviors and expectations that go with whatever situation you’re going to find yourself in. You’ll project more confidence when you’re not worried that you are underdressed, overdressed, etc. Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to maintain your sense of style and individuality, you just may have to be a bit more creative.

5. Respect others. Many people don’t realize that how we treat others is a direct reflection of how confident we are. Confident people don’t treat others disrespectfully, even when they disagree. It can be challenging at times, but if you look for attributes you respect in people, you will find them.

7 Skills to Get Your Small Talk On

Social Skills Tricks of the Trade

A few skills up your sleeve will not only help you avoid running from social interactions but might even make them, dare I say, enjoyable. Try these out at work functions or social situations.

1. Smile. This one little behavior will make you feel better inward and send a positive message outward. A study from Penn State University found that people who smile appear to be more likeable, courteous, and even more competent! Next time you are feeling a tad on the uncomfortable, anxious side and you have to be in a social setting do your best to put on a smile. Even a fake one works!
2. Small talk is a two way street. Small talk is a social tool intended to show your willingness to engage with another person. Even if you initiate the conversation, it doesn’t mean you are responsible for carrying the whole thing. Do your best to hold up your side politely and remind yourself that it takes two to tango. When answering questions, remember you can also circle back and ask them the same question.
3. Start simple. There’s no need to blow the other person out of the water with how clever or funny you are. Opening up small talk is simply the way to gauge whether they’re interested in talking in the first place. A comment on the weather or situation you’re in (waiting for a bus, standing in line for the photocopier, getting food at a party) is a nice place to start.
4. Prepare ahead. It’s nice to have a few conversation starters ready when you enter into a situation where small talk is the gateway to more meaningful connections. “How do you know the host?”, “How do you like this area?” or “Have you tried the ______?” can get you started. Sometimes just having a question on the tip of your tongue gives you the confidence you need to hang in there.
5. Share enough positive information about yourself for the other person or people to be able to frame a response. “I work in HR and you wouldn’t believe how many applications we just got for that new productions position!” If you don’t have a positive conversation starter, remember to keep your conversation on the positive side in general. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than negativity!
6. It’s okay to stand by yourself. Sometimes this is actually a helpful thing to do in social situations. Let’s face it, most people in small talky situations are just as uncomfortable as you. Being by yourself gives another person the opportunity to come up and talk with you versus them having to try to break into a well established cluster of people talking.
7. Lastly, according to therapist Kyle MacDonald, “Small talk is exactly what is says it is: small. There’s no need to turn the conversation into a great debate and, equally, it’s perfectly fine to break off the conversation when you need to. Just be mindful of how you end the engagement: first of all, announce your intention to go and say how you enjoyed the conversation (“I’m going to have to be going now, but I enjoyed talking to you — I’m so glad I found someone else who hates The Hunger Games as much as I do!”), and give them an opportunity to respond and break away too (“Anyway, I’m a friend of Tom’s so I might see you again at another of his parties — hopefully there will be more films we hate out by then!”) The overall trick is to be kind and open with the other person, listen to what they say and respond honestly.”

Small talk definitely gets easier the more you practice. What are some tricks of the trade you’ve found to be helpful?

Social Anxiety? We're Social Beings!!!

Why Do We Have Social Anxiety?

Humans are inherently social creatures and yet many suffer from anxiety that makes being social difficult, if not downright painful. How and why does this happen?

The short answer is that scientists and doctors don’t entirely know. Understanding anxiety, in all its forms, is in its’ infancy despite affecting millions of people worldwide. The most widely suggested contributors to the cause of social anxiety include inherited traits and family background, life experiences and environment, and brain structure.

The Brain

Regarding the role one’s brain structure may play, researchers are making great strides thanks to advanced neuroimaging technology. Scientists are gaining insight into social anxiety and social anxiety disorder in ways that were previously only subject to speculation. Of particular promise are studies that show increased activity in the brain’s amygdala in people with social anxiety compared to those without. The amygdala regulates emotions, survival instincts and memory.

Some of the findings in these studies, although not totally conclusive, suggest that people with social anxiety may have an increased tendency or bias toward ways of processing information in the brain that may contribute to their anxiety. These include a higher tendency to respond more negatively or fearful to social signals, people’s facial expressions and eye contact. Also, those with social anxiety showed more of a tendency to selectively remember the negative information about oneself and one’s social performances instead of the positive or neutral memories. Those with social anxiety showed a bias toward making negative evaluations about past events and negative predictions about their future performance. Lastly, participants showed a tendency toward spending more time processing threat-related information than those without social anxiety.

Does that happen to describe you too? Do you tend to respond in a fearful way in social situations? Do you think predict your presentation will be a flop and that you’ll embarrass yourself at the annual manager’s meeting? Do you already dread that happy hour you said you’d attend? Do you play over and over in your mind how awful it was to go into the grocery store or to your child’s school?

What You Can Do

If you do, no problem! Although we don’t yet know the evolutionary function of this brain structure, we do have many strategies to help compensate for it. The words “tendency” and “bias” give us clues as to where you start. They illustrate a way your brain may be “neurologically leaning” but your brain isn’t set in stone.

In order to stop these leanings from causing your social anxiety, you can increase your awareness toward them and remind yourself these are just your biases talking. Look at the situation again, but this time from the perspective of someone without these biases. For example, “If I didn’t have this worst-case-scenario bias, I’d look at the company’s upcoming happy hours as an opportunity to get to know more people from the office.”

Counseling. Just do it!

I know. Going to therapy sounds so serious. And inconvenient. And intimidating. I actually put it off for years because of those very reasons. As it turns out, after finally going to therapy and successfully overcoming my anxiety, I then had to work on not kicking myself for putting it off so long! Here are a few things I wish I had known that would’ve made this ordeal not so much of an ordeal.

• Counselors are like gynecologists, they’ve seen/heard it all. Ok, that may have started us out on more of an awkward note then I intended, but my point is, please don’t be worried that you are showing a side of yourself that the counselor hasn’t seen before.

• We are made like jack-in-the-boxes. Anything that “pops out” of us during counseling can be put back in. Research shows that by naming feelings and identifying negative thoughts we start to feel better. But we always have the option though to just push ‘em back in.

• “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."  That’s from Albert Einstein. A counselor will help add a different way of thinking to your problem. Together, you’ll be able move the needle toward feeling better faster then if you just stayed in your head and wrestled with it.

• Seeking help doesn’t scream to everyone that you are weak. And if you are screaming that in your own ear, get over it. You are human and it is time to fix a very human problem, your anxiety. I thought I would try the “tough love” approach to this one because I have a feeling you would just mock me if I tried the “asking for help is a sign of real strength” route. Even though it is.

• You can stop any time. Seriously. This last one might just be the permission you need to get through that door. It was for me!

So whether you are a do-it-yourselfer, person with a high tolerance threshold or just a plain ole procrastinator, this year really can be your year to start feeling better! Keep this checklist with you and make an appointment today. You’ll be glad you did.

Label Your Anxiety: False Alarms

Picture yourself with a hot date at your favorite restaurant. The lights are low, the candle is flickering in the middle of the table. You’re enjoying great food and conversation.  Suddenly you are interrupted by a blaring car alarm! It totally hijacks your attention away from the awesome date. Really?!?

You find the car and notice, not surprising, it is a false alarm. The car’s alarm is so sensitive that it went off when the people in the car behind it shut their doors.

You try to turn your attention back to your amazing date. Slowly, even though the alarm continues, you find yourself not noticing it as much. And it’s not affecting your date like it did in the beginning. It is still there but it stops bothering you. You actually don’t notice when it stops.

I like to use this metaphor to show how we can deal with our anxious thoughts. Let me pull out some key elements to take away from the story and show you how they relate to stopping anxiety:

• Car alarms are annoying and can happen any time.

• Car alarms often go off as false alarms because their systems are too sensitive.

• Once we realize a car alarm is not actually signaling a break in, we can more easily ignore it.

• The more annoyed we are by them, the more they bother us.

• If you shift your focus, you will notice the car alarm less and less.

Now let me rephrase them as our anxious “false alarm” thoughts.

• Anxious thoughts are annoying and they can happen at any time.

• Anxious thoughts are so loud because we’ve become hypersensitive to them. 

• Once we see our anxious thoughts as false alarms we can more easily ignore it.

• The more annoyed we are by them, the more those feelings hang around and bother us.

• If we refocus on what we were doing when we had our anxious thoughts, we’ll notice them less and less.

As difficult as it may seem right now, anxious thoughts don’t have to take center stage when they arise. In order to allow them to fade into the background and eventually stop surfacing to begin with, practice labeling them false alarms. And then try your hardest to turn your attention away from them. 

We can strengthen neural pathways of our choice by paying attention to what we want to pay attention to! 

5 Ways to Simplify the Way You Stop Your Anxiety

It is waaaay too easy to be anxious these days. As we become tethered to our technology, we are bombarded and overwhelmed with more input than our brains and bodies can handle. As we get older our responsibilities seem unflinchingly complicated and arduous. Dreaming of being on a deserted island takes on a surprising appeal.  

Well, the deserted island may evoke even more anxiety, so let’s slowly back away from that last one.

With all that’s going on, I’ll keep this simple and brief. If you are struggling with anxiety, here are 5 things you can do right away to help you start finding some relief and regaining your confidence.

1. Know that your anxiety comes from strong associations your brain has formed from past experiences. When they start to appear, name them to tame them. Say to yourself, “I’m feeling anxious because of the break in”, “I’m feeling anxious even though I don’t know why”, “I’m feeling anxious because of things happening in politics”.  Don’t enter into a long conversation with yourself.  Name it and move on.

2. Shift your attention to something else when you feel the first inkling of anxiety. Anything. My “go to” is my breath because it is always with me. I take deep breaths and just try to pay attention to how it feels. I try to breathe twice as long “out” as I did “in”. After a few deep breaths, I turn my visual attention onto something in the here and now. My goal is to keep myself in the present and disrupt rising anxious thoughts as soon as I am aware of them.

3. Know it will pass. Seriously, this is legit. Even if you don’t do anything, this overwhelming feeling of anxiety WILL pass. Experiment with it. Next time, try to just observe what it is doing. Your thoughts, body, the time it takes, the level of discomfort. Don’t do anything and just observe it pass through. Sorta like that unexpected (and unwelcome) couch-surfing friend of yours from college.  Phew, that was brutal...but they’re gone!

4. Know that any new association, thought, action or choice you can make when you are feeling anxious will start a new neural pathway. These new neural pathways strengthen with each repetition. The key is in the reps. The ultimate goal is retraining your brain away from your past anxious associations and this will do it.

5. Self compassion. Your first inclination may be to hate yourself for “doing this” to you again. Actually your second and third inclinations may be the same. As soon as you possibly can muster it, you’ll need to forgive yourself and be nice to yourself. I would bet the farm that you’d never say to a friend the things you are saying to yourself. Turn that understanding inward A.S.A.P.

There you have it in a nutshell. Minus the effort and practice.

Here’s another nutshell. You are not broken.

3 Ways to Stop Negative Predictions

I remember when I learned there was a technical name for it.

Making “negative predictions”.

Expecting not to enjoy a party, check. Expecting to feel too tired to exercise, check. Expecting that your boss won't like an idea, etc., check, check. They oozed out so naturally that I never really took time to think about them.

Saying I was prone to “negative predictions” was an understatement. I thought them ALL the time. But I always thought that that was just me. My personality. Just the way I was.

In my defense, it wasn’t like I was a Debbie Downer. As a matter of fact my friends and coworkers would have been shocked to learn of this personality trait of mine.

Well, as it turns out this is pretty common.

And as it turns out, we're not up a creek without a paddle.

Negative predictions are highly treatable because they are simply habits. (They are not a part of our DNA.) And like all habits you want to stop, a plan and practice is your ticket outta there.

So here is your three step plan:

1. Recognize that “negative predictions” are a real thing. They happen to the best of us, even if we aren’t total grinches. So, kindly acknowledge it is a habit you’ve gotten into and move to step 2.

2. Notice when you are doing it. Make a game out of it. A point for every time Negative Nellie (or Ned) comes out. Five points for every time you predict you’re about to make a negative prediction. Extra points for the “metta” expert level of difficulty.

3. Switch your focus to something else. Something concretely in the present. The key to disrupting any habit is, well, disrupting it. In order to do that you have to turn your attention onto something else and let the old thought or feeling move on by.

Repeat steps 2 and 3 until you have moved past the negative prediction. It is important to note that you are not trying to insert the opposite (Positive Paula) and you aren’t trying to rationalize why you shouldn’t think negatively about this or that. Life is too short to substitute ineffective habits for bad habits.

What do you routinely use your negative prediction powers on?

4 Agile Steps to Overcome those Inner Obstacles!

The secret to making changes is through WOOP. What the heck am I talking about you say? Let me explain. 

Dr. Gabriele Oettingham was intrigued by the trendy belief that if one just thinks positively, one will reach their goals. So she conducted her own research. From it, she synthesized four steps (with the acronym WOOP) that really do enable people to meet their goals. Positive thinking was part of it but needed the other three steps to really work. Here are her four steps.

1. What is your Wish? What is your most important wish or struggle to overcome?

2. What is the best Outcome? If your wish is fulfilled, where would that leave you? What would be the best, most positive outcome? Think and try to visualize how fulfilling your wish would feel. (This is the positive thinking step.)

3. What is your main inner Obstacle? What is it within you that holds you back from fulfilling your wish?

4. Make a Plan. What can you do to overcome your obstacle?

Try it for yourself!

1. Pick a Wish around your anxiety.

2. Identify your best Outcome and take a moment to imagine it as fully as you can.

3. Identify your main inner Obstacle and take a moment to imagine it fully. 

4. Have a Plan for yourself. Identify one action you can take or one thought you can think to overcome your obstacle when you experience it. (Hint: Try the label “false alarm,” grab control of your breathing, and refocus concretely on the present).

It is important to have a positive thought or goal, but research also suggests that you need to identify what is likely to get in your way too. Then you need to have a plan of attack ready. Only then are you likely to succeed! Go ahead, give WOOP a try. I'd love to hear how it works for you!

Like Unicorns and Rainbows? No, just optimism.

Dr. Martin Seligman's research points the way toward learning how to strengthen our sense of personal agency (our ability to positively impact our lives) and even learn how to be more optimistic with our life situations.

Not unicorns and rainbows optimistic, more like the Little Engine that Could optimistic. And since both personal agency and optimism are extremely helpful in transforming our anxiety I’d say that is good news indeed!

Dr. Seligman found that optimism largely comes down to how we “explain” the events in our lives.

As you read the following terms, try and figure out how you tend to “explain” factors in your life in general and toward anxiety in particular.

Permanence refers to the belief that negative events, situations and/or their causes are permanent, even when evidence, logic, and past experience indicate that they are probably temporary ("I’m always going to be be worried before work" vs. "I’m worried right now before work, there have been mornings that I wasn’t worried.").

Pervasiveness refers to the tendency to generalize so that negative features of one situation are thought to extend to others as well ("I lost that contract I really wanted" vs. "I’m stupid". Or "I wasn’t invited to lunch today" vs. "Nobody likes me").

Personalization refers to whether one tends to attribute negative events or situations to one’s own flaws or to outside circumstances or other people. While it is important to take responsibility for one’s mistakes, it’s important to be aware of whether one’s self-blame over a particular event or situation is realistic and appropriate. (“I’m anxious because I’m not good enough” vs. “I’m anxious because I’m watching too much bad news on tv.”)

In order to restore your confidence, optimism and sense of personal agency with your anxiety and worry, work towards cultivating a less permanent and pervasive explanatory style.

Oh, and try not to take everything so personal too.